Why do we make the same mistakes as our parents?
Why do we make the same mistakes as our parents?
为什么我们会犯和我们父母一样的错误
Instinctively, we know that a child needs warmth and acceptance, physical touch, our physical presence. There must be love plus boundaries, understanding and validation, play with people of all ages, many experiences of being soothed when they’re upset and a lot of attention and time. So why can it be difficult to do this?
本能的，我们都知道孩子是需要温暖、认可、生理上的安慰以及生理上的存在感的。孩子们在他们感受到不安和被大量的关注的时候必须感受到大量的有边界感的爱、理解、认可和在一生中与人们交往，感受到许多被安慰的经验。所以为什么做到这个这么困难呢?
We promise our unborn child that this is how we will behave towards them but then, just a couple of years later, we’re feeling particularly exasperated and we hear our own parents’ words coming out of our mouths. “Because I say so!” or whatever it was they said.
我们向我们的后代保证我们将会以上面的方式对待他们。但是就在过几年之后，我们感受到非常的愤怒，我们就会听到我们父母说的话将会从我们自己的口中说出.“因为是我说的所以”或者他们说的其它的话。
We tend to repeat behaviours shown to us by our parents, and then repeat them with our own child. Of course, if these actions made us feel wanted, loved and safe as a child, that is fine. But so often they did the opposite.
我们更倾向于重复我们的父母展示给我们的行为习惯，和向我们的孩子重复这些行为。当然，如果这些行为能够使我们的孩子感受到希望、爱和安全感，这当然是最好的。但是在很多时候这种做法往往会带来相反的结果。
Much of what we have inherited sits just outside of our awareness. That makes it hard to know whether we are reacting in the here and now to our child’s behaviour or whether our responses are more rooted in our past. It’s easy to fall into making assumptions about our emotional reaction without considering what’s being triggered from our own background. But when you feel anger – or any other difficult emotions including resentment, frustration, envy, disgust, panic, irritation, dread, fear etc – in response to something your child has done or requested, it’s a good idea to think of it as a warning. Not a warning that your child is necessarily doing anything wrong, but that your own buttons are being pressed.
许多时候我们都会有继承来自我们意识之外的东西。他会使我们难以认识到无论我们在此处发生何种反应和我们孩子们的行为以及在过去我们做出反应的许多根源。这些东西很容易就会使我们陷入自己情绪冲动制造的设想之中，造成这样的诱因都是由我们的家庭背景所致。但是当我们感受到愤怒，或者其他任何包括怨恨、沮丧、嫉妒、厌恶、恐慌、恼怒、恐惧、恐惧等情绪时会反应出你的孩子做过或者要求过的事，这是一种非常好的主意将他作为一种警告来思考。虽然是你的孩子正在做任何错误的事的警告，但是也成为了你压力的一个按钮。
Often the pattern works like this: when you react with anger or another overly charged emotion around your child, it is because it’s a way you have learned to defend yourself from feeling what you felt when you were their age. Outside of your awareness, their behaviour is threatening to trigger your own past feelings of despair, longing, loneliness, jealousy or neediness. And so you unknowingly take the easier option: rather than empathising with what your child is feeling, you short-circuit to being angry or frustrated or panicked.